HOW TO INCORPORATE YOUR CHILDREN IN YOUR WEDDING AND HOW TO ESTABLISH A Well FUNCTIONING Blended FAMILY
By Nily Glaser © 2003 – Revised 2021 All rights reserved to Nily Glaser – Gan Publishing
Blending families! Sounds as simple as Mine Yours and Ours. Remember the old movie with Doris Day? It was a comedy.
In real life, mine yours and ours is a very serious matter.
Almost half of the marriages today involve kids. His, hers, or heir children
When a new family is created by marriage the biological and the step parents
have many unanswered questions, unattended to concerns, and fears. They often lack the knowledge and preparedness, or so they think, to do all within their powers to ensure a
happy blended family. They want to have a home where the kids know they belong, are special and are loved.
How do you ensure that your family will indeed become blended
- You may start with the preparation for, and duties at the wedding.
Involve all the kids and get them as excited as you and your future spouse are. - At the wedding ceremony exchange gifts and family wedding vows.
Rather than vows only between bride and groom, family Wedding vows
include all family members. That is, the vows between bride, and groom and vows from them to the children. - Right after the vows exchange and after the FAMILY unity candle ceremony, give your spouse a gift and welcome each child to the family with a special gift of jewelry.
What to do after the wedding?
After the wedding, the most important thing is to put your marital relationship first
as your priority. Stand together regarding rules of the household and share them with all of your kids. In each of the following situations this may be easier said than done. Following are a few scenarios of blended families that may or may not reflect your situation.
- One of the kids’ parents is deceased
- All the kids live with you,
- Your kids live with you while your spouse’s kids only visit,
- You have visitation rights so your spouse’s kids live with you while your kids only visit,
- you have split custody with the other biological parents,
- The kids other biological parent(s) is/are single, or married
- In the latter, most severe situation, your kids would have up to 6 adults
with different ideas regarding child rearing and discipline, telling them what to do.
Potentially, you’ll have to deal with:
- Their transitions to/from different households with different house rules?
- If there was a divorce, the possibility that the “other parent” incites the kids
against you and/or your spouse. - If there was death, kids’ anger at the parent who “left them” and anger at “that
Person” who “tries to take the place of / replace” the diseased parent. - Being unable or unwilling to compete with the “other parent” for affection,
by lavishing the kids with gifts and “whatever they want” and “whatever they do is ok”.
What is best for the kids?
Kids do not need things to know they are loved and wanted.
Kids need a stable nurturing home. A home where both parents work together
as a parenting team. Where both support each other’s decisions especially regarding
home rules, traditions and rituals.
How do we do it?
- Both of you need to establish your household rules, traditions and rituals.
- Decide upon the rules together and in agreement.
- If your kids are old enough include them in the discussion and in forming at least a few of the home rules.
- Have a family meeting or a kitchen table discussion about what members of the family
would like to do on a regular basis. - You might be surprised what ideas come up. If reasonable, try these suggestions.
- Allowing kids to contribute will make it easier to enforce these household rules, traditions and rituals.
- Once you have the kids participate in and contribute to the discussion, they will not see you as demanding, tough or unreasonable.
- Don’t let your rules, traditions and rituals waiver, stand together and
support each other in implementing them. - However, remember that as children get older and situations change, rituals and traditions may need to be adjusted.
- When actual discipline is needed it should first come from the child’s own parent
and not from the stepparent. However, the stepparent needs to back up their spouse. - This will establish a parental and family cohesiveness.
- Your children need to see and experience the strength of your marital relationship.
- They must realize your commitment to each other and to them, s well as.the strength and stability of your family.
- Children need to regain the security of being special, loved and wanted.
- They need the security they lost when their biological parents divorced or in a case of
a parent’s death when that parent “left them”. - When you re-marry you have high hopes and often see everything through rose-colored glasses.
The truth is that your second marriage especially when either one or both of you have children, is much more challenging than the first.
As a new family, you go through phases.
The Honeymoon phase
At first, you will experience “the honeymoon phase”.
This is when everyone is on their best behavior, excited, happy, giddy,
maybe even showing off for one another.
The honeymoon is over phase
Then comes the second phase, the “honeymoon is over phase”.
This is when reality sets in. Members of the blended family begin to realize
that they don’t like something about this one or are jealous of that one or are
uncomfortable with… and on and on.
Be prepared for the “honeymoon is over” phase and expect hurt feelings,
acting out behaviors, tears, and anger.
What you need to do now
Now you are a family, struggling for some sense of family identity. Don’t despair!.
It is a normal progression when two families blend into one.
You should realize that it is a normal state of events. It takes time, patience, understanding, respect and a lot of love to instill a family cohesiveness and bring up self-assured, secure children.
- Give the kids all you have got.
- Make it a priority to always be involved in every child’s life and be there for him or her.
- If the children are of school age, inquire about their day and help them with their schoolwork whenever it is needed.
- Better yet, encourage older children to help the younger ones with homework.
- If you can spare the time, volunteer to help in the kids’ classes
- Always make time to be there for school, sports, and other activities the kids participate in.
Your involvement and the involvement of all kids in their siblings’ life will eventually bring bonding and closeness. The results will be rewarding
and you’ll soon forget the difficult times.
It is very important that you let the children know right from the start that respect for both parents and all siblings is paramount. Yet, you must accept the fact that you
may or may not be able to develop a parental bond with your stepchildren. At least not at the beginning.
Let your relationship progress naturally. Do not force a parental relationship on them.
Do all within your power to earn their respect.
Having achieved this, you start your family blending on the right foot.
As you strive for a united family, set scheduled time for family togetherness.
Be sure that everyone is present and that everyone shares their experiences, and what is going on in their life inside and outside the home.
Let everyone talk about what is on his or her minds and how they feel, without being judged or reprimanded.
Keep it simple and age appropriate. Establish open communications and let the kids know how you feel as well. Reassure the children, that this is what a family is
and that in your family everyone does things for the others. Let them know that they are loved and that you care for them. Instill in them the realization that all you want is for them to grow up in a happy home, and feel good about themselves and their family.
Before long, the kids will look forward to this time together as it becomes part of your established blended family ritual.
As important as family time is, make it clear that any child can come to you on a one on one whenever they feel the need or want to discuss or tell things in private.
Bear in mind that children have a past. They also have feelings. If these feelings are stifled, children may feel that they are being forced into a “new” family to replace their “old” family.
This in turn will bring forth resentment, anger, frustration and hurt. Therefore, it is important that the children understand that they are allowed to hang onto the memories of their previous family. Let them know that it is ok to remember them with joy. It is also ok to feel happy about those times that came before or sad that they are no more. Assure them that it is “OK” to recall, remember and even share these memories aloud with each other.
Through this sharing, and as they get older, they will begin to understand
and realize that in the “new ” family they are building new relationships. They are
creating new memories. They are not replacing he memories they already have.
Let each child, if age and ability appropriate, an opportunity to contribute to the family.
Give each child tasks and responsibilities. They may resent it at the
moment but thank you as they reach adulthood.
So far all seems too serious. It is! But family life is not all seriousness!
Make time for fun, and do so often.
Children need individual attention. Give each child your undivided attention as individuals.
Just you and that child. Get to know each child and give him or her opportunities to get to know you.
But, again; with all that, do no ignore each other. It is most important, that you make sure you set aside time for each other, to foster your love and strengthen your -arital relationship.
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Author Byline
Nily Glaser, the CEO of A-wedding Day at: http://www.a-weddingday.com She is a retied school principal, and a published author of books and important articles. Her Personalized Wedding Planning Organizer that for a limited time is available to subscribers in printable format, can be found in the A-wedding Day Magazine.
Nily Glaser has presented workshops for parents, teachers, school administrators and for wedding professionals all over the USA.
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