First Comes Love Story

Nikki & Ryans Engagement Story

May 19, 1998, two very bored people named Nikki Snyder & Ryan Dettmar logged onto a chat program called IRC that evening. Ryan had literally just finished setting up the computer in the apartment he shared with his brother, Nikki realized it had been a while since she had last logged on and decided to see if anyone she knew was online. They both ended up in a local Seattle area that (supposedly) was dedicated to the Gothic community that Ryan was already a part of and Nikki wished to get more involved with.

There were few people on that night, so Nikki & Ryan started yapping. Ryan very soon started off with the most obnoxious statement one can make online, ‘are you m or f?’ (he claims he did that precisely to be obnoxious), and instead of whining about how annoying that question is, Nikki did a new thing… refused to answer one way or the other and just kept talking. When Nikki logged off, Ryan asked her to email him. Back then, Nikki would rarely email anyone she didn’t already know in real life or already emailing for years… but for reasons she still can’t explain, she wanted to get to know this Solitude guy better.

We emailed each other constantly and for some time I never said one way or the other what my gender or even my name was. We griped about work, talked about our families & friends and what our interests were, and eventually I told him who I was and we wrote even more about our birthdays being so close together (May 14th & 17th) and how cool it is to be a Taurus. Eventually, Ryan convinced me to come to an 80’s party that his friend was holding in his apartment building. I already knew that several of my friends would be there, but I wouldn’t tell them who this guy was who convinced me to come to the party because I wanted to make his own first impression.

May 30th came, and Ryan’s first view of me was of my back as I was unloading my infamous party cupcakes on the kitchen counter. I turned to face him, and my first thought was that he was so tall & had naturally black hair (a big plus!)

We both were rather shy, and also surrounded by people, yet we managed to talk a lot & got up for air at the same moment several times. We hugged goodbye when we parted that night, kept emailing… and started going out. After a few more dates, we went to a Puget Sound beach called Carkeek Park, I turned to look at Ryan walking towards me & that was the moment I fell in love and knew it would be eternal. Part of a poem (definitely not the sad part!) by Rupert Brooke captures the feeling….

One Day ‘Today I have been happy.

All the day I held the memory of you,

and wove Its laughter
with the dancing light o’ the spray
And sowed the sky with tiny seeds of love…’

On June 6th we shared the most passionate & longest kiss we have ever known, and the rest is history!

On December 24, 1998, we chose to celebrate Christmas Eve alone in our apartment to have a moment’s peace and quiet. We had gone to Toys R Us earlier to return something, I think it was a Sega or some sort of game station. While I went to the store, Ryan said he had some last minute shopping to do and went off into the rest of the mall and returned a short time later. He was acting kind of weird, nervous perhaps, but I blew it off as perhaps him not knowing how I’d be on this day, which happened to be the one month anniversary of my grandmother’s unexpected death.

We carried on, going to pick up take out Chinese food in my family’s tradition for dinner that night, then came home. We unwrapped presents by the fire with candlelight, and I was so proud of myself for giving a personalized brick in the Mariner’s new stadium inscribed with “For Ryan Dettmar Love Always, Nikki” as my Christmas present to my boyfriend.

After we were (I thought!) done unwrapping presents, Ryan mentioned that I had forgotten one under the little tree. I insisted that I hadn’t, that I’d opened everything. He told me to go check, and sure enough there was a little silver paper-wrapped package sitting there that I hadn’t noticed before! I tore open the paper and noticed it was from a jewelry store. “Oh, this must be a pair of earrings, how cool!”, I thought to myself as I opened the outer box… then my heart skipped several beats as I opened the inner box to find a beautiful diamond surrounded by smaller diamonds and what appeared to be (and are) emeralds… our shared birthstone.
I looked over to Ryan, who was kneeling there in front of the fireside. “This isn’t, oh this couldn’t be… oh my God..” was racing through my mind… and he simply said:

“Nikki, will you marry me?

My mind quickly changed to, “it is… oh it IS… oh my God!!” and I joyfully exclaimed YES and he put the ring on my finger and we hugged and I cried and I don’t quite remember if I kept saying ‘YES’ out loud or if it was only in my mind or perhaps both…. but every time I look down at my left hand I still echo that refrain.

One of the best things we did during our engagement was to spend plenty of time preparing for the most important part… a lifetime of being together in a marriage. We attended a 7 week marriage preparation class through University Presbyterian Church where we spent an evening at a mentor couple’s house with 3 other engaged couples and discussed a variety of issues while working individually on our personal matters.

Then comes marriage…
Read Nikki & Ryan’s Victorian Wedding Story

Nikki

February 26, 2000

I know I spent all our wedding planning time thinking to myself,

“This will be fantastic if everything goes perfectly, but it’ll still probably be beautiful if disaster strikes as well.”

The laughter & time we shared with our family & friends and most importantly each other far surpassed any and all hopes & dreams I had about this special day. My only wish now is that the beauty of this day will be eclipsed by the beautiful future & times we share together as husband & wife in our new family together.

Our Wedding Day

Our wedding day started out cold but sunny with high clouds. We all got ready with our makeup & hair all in place by 9 (it really wasn’t that hard for us to do ourselves and we had a fun girl bonding time in my bathroom) and got to my church by 9:30.

After I got in my dress, the photographer had Ryan turn away from the aisle and I walked up the side. He turned and saw me (we did pictures before the ceremony) and I will never forget the look of amazement in his eyes… and how his hand went to his heart shortly afterwards. He looked like he was about ready to faint! We took loads of pictures, all nice & relaxed with our family & bridal party, and I took sips of a strawberry banana smoothie with protein powder in it during breaks (another good thing to have Mom bring, it helped a lot even though I had breakfast). Then we went outside to take some pictures there and people were honking & waving at us, it was so sweet. On the way back in, the flower girl (she’s almost 9) handed me a card with her cute writing saying ‘you are as beautiful as a full-bloomed rose’ with a drawing of a rose on it that nearly made me cry.

We had about 40 minutes before the ceremony started to go into our respective dressing rooms and relax a while. I mostly sat there and finished my smoothie and had a few bites of a bagel while visiting with the various women who stopped in to wish me well beforehand. I was very quiet for the most part, inside my mind I was silently & repeatedly thanking God for the wonder of this day & the immense calm peace I felt in my heart. For all the bad choices & decisions I had made without following God’s guidance previously, I knew in my heart that this was right & beautiful in His sight and I dedicated the entire day & our lives together as soon-to-be husband & wife to him.

Then it was time to line up for the processional. The ring bearer (he’s 3) was standing by my side with his heart-shaped pillow held like a shield and he refused to listen to suggestions that he stand by the flower girl. I think he thought he was my bodyguard or escort, it was adorable! He got scared a bit and his dad ended up carrying him down the aisle which still looked cute. He was a very good boy & nobody fussed at all during the ceremony.

My knees were wobbly when I first started down the aisle (by myself) but that faded fast once I saw everyone’s smiling faces & the bridal party… and Ryan standing there beaming.

Ryan’s mom’s corsage fell off when she sat down after I came in, but since we did all the pictures before the ceremony that didn’t hurt anything. What I did not realize until after seeing the proofs from our photographer & talking with my bridesmaid was that the sun suddenly broke through the clouds during the ceremony and the rays through the stained glass cast an almost angelic glow on me. Ryan & I both were oblivious to pretty much everything except each other & our minister!

The ceremony itself went without a hitch, except both our fingers had swelled a bit from being nervous so our rings were a little tight but I think that almost always happens at every wedding I’ve been to!

Words to live by, spoken during our wedding ceremony.

One of the comic strips Charles Shultz wrote is where his ‘Peanuts’ character, Lucy, is set up in her ‘Psychiatric Help for 5 cents’ booth and says to Charlie Brown ‘Life is like a deck chair. Some face the past, some face the future and others face the present.’ Charlie Brown replies by saying ‘If life is like a deck chair, I can’t even get mine opened!’.

Together, we will open the deck chair of marriage, by knowing who we are, receiving grace, being gracious with one another and always Be Thankful!.

We still have our lives apart as well as our life together.

We still have our separate ways to find as well as our way together.

But a marriage made in heaven is one where a man and a woman become more richly themselves together than the chances are either one of us could have become alone.

Our Vows…

“I, Ryan, take you, Nicole to be my wedded wife. I promise and covenant before God and these witnesses; to love you in integrity and honesty; in sickness and in health; to be faithful to you physically, emotionally and spiritually; to share my innermost thoughts, and respond lovingly to your innermost thoughts; to share in your moments of joy and support you sympathetically in your times of hardship; to encourage you daily in your walk with God; to put you before myself in thoughts and actions; and when I fail, I promise to ask God’s forgiveness and yours.”

“I, Nicole, take you, Ryan to be my wedded husband. I promise and covenant before God and these witnesses; to love you in integrity and honesty; in sickness and in health; to be faithful to you physically, emotionally and spiritually; to share my innermost thoughts, and respond lovingly to your innermost thoughts; to share in your moments of joy and support you sympathetically in your times of hardship; to encourage you daily in your walk with God; to put you before myself in thoughts and actions; and when I fail, I promise to ask God’s forgiveness and yours.”

Symbolism of our Candles

Our mothers came up and lit one taper for each of us from the altar candles, symbolizing our individual lives & family backgrounds. We then took our candles and lit the center candle together, symbolizing the union of our lives in marriage. We let all three candles shine together as a symbol of our commitment to each other and an everlasting marriage.

I forgot to get my bouquet back from my maid of honor for the recessional. It didn’t dawn on me until I was halfway down the aisle but I don’t think that mattered much. We hugged, kissed & thanked everyone for coming to our wedding as they left the sanctuary, and a little girl named Clare who is about 4 years old and a daughter of a family I used to babysit for when I was 16 handed me a drawing of Ryan & I in our wedding outfits with ‘BY CLARE’ written in her best printing… too adorable!

One bridesmaid was put to work bustling my dress (my aunt’s boyfriend was absolutely mystified by this and came up to my mom during the reception and said ‘where did the train go???’ as did several others who asked me, it really didn’t look like a bustle but more like a really fancy ball gown). My bridesmaids packed up the ceremony flowers in their boxes and we all went to the reception at the Space Needle.

Our Reception

Our wedding reception was held at the Seattle Space Needle. By now it was cloudy, so we immediately took some pictures of us & the Space Needle in the background, then went to buy our tickets and got on the carousel, which I had been hoping for months that we would be able to do ever since I first noticed it and looked into the possibility of having our reception there to begin with.

We soon noticed that not only was our photographer taking pictures, but another lady we didn’t know was as well. It is hard to ride a carousel horse sidesaddle in a full gown while holding on to a cascading bouquet with one hand & I nearly fell off several times but managed to hang on tight. Afterwards, the lady gave us her business card and said she’d give us prints, which I thought was really cool of her to do. I got one little mark of grease on my dress, but it doesn’t seem to show up in all the pictures of us at the reception that I’ve seen so far and I know the cleaner will get it out so I didn’t care. For some reason my mom thought I would freak out when I learned because she came up to me and said in a hushed tone something along the lines of ‘Nicole, please don’t panic but there’s some dirt on your dress. I looked, laughed and said ‘oh well!’

The food, layout, service & view from the Space Needle was fantastic, and the cake looked even better than we thought it would. When we walked in we both went ‘ooooh’. We played our own music that we had burned onto CDs instead of having a DJ because we knew this wasn’t exactly a dancing crowd but more of an eat, drink & talking bunch. Our friend Elizabeth helped us out by switching CDs & we all tinkered with the volume from time to time.

We had some time to ourselves to actually eat at first, then went around and socialized before it came time for the toast. The best man gave a nice toast to us, wishing us health & happiness and saying ‘Ryan, you’re lucky’ to which Ryan raised his glass and said ‘I know!’ but the one that made everyone go ‘awww’ was Ryan’s to me, which is a poem we found that goes:

The test of Gold is Fire
The test of Truth is Time
The test of God’s love are the heavens above
and everything sublime
Treasures in life are many,
dreams realized but few
But I know the test of God’s goodness
is when he gave me a wife like you.

That, of course, nearly made me bawl as well.

A Victorian Tradition

A wedding event called a “ribbon pull” is traditional to Victorian weddings. A sterling silver charm is purchased for each of the bridesmaids and engraved with a wish for the future such as; next to marry, lucky in life, hope, adventure etc… Each charm is tied to a ribbon. The baker places the ribbon tied charms between layers of the wedding cake as it is being assembled. Before the bride and groom share the first slice of cake, the bridesmaids gather so that each can pull one ribbon, claiming a “ribbon pull” that holds the promise of her future.

In keeping with our Victorian theme, we had the bridesmaids pull out little silver charms from the bottom layer of the cake, they were of things like the Eiffel tower (a life of travel), a rose (a life of beauty) & a claddaugh (a life of love & good fortune, I think). I deliberately chose ones that wouldn’t scare people like the next to get married or have a baby.

We cut our cake, and fed each other a piece (no frosting smudging!), then finished our piece together. We had our first dance to ‘Beautiful’ by Smashing Pumpkins, the pictures show this huge grin on my face and we even managed a few spins in there. Pretty amazing considering we never have really danced together!

Soon after that, we did the bouquet toss. Elizabeth caught it. she is engaged to be married in December 2000 yay! And the garter toss (Ryan’s little brother caught it and was embarrassed a bit, he’s 14). Then we piled into the elevator to wander around upstairs on the observation deck. By now it was steadily raining, and I was incredibly thankful that the weather held out until this moment since all outdoor pictures were done and we were planning on changing clothes there to begin with!

Making tourists wonder about us was great fun, and we took a picture of us holding a ‘canned moose’ (symbolic to me of living in the Northwest and our Alaska honeymoon that’s coming up in May). Then squished into a photo booth where we took a picture of us kissing with a touristy ‘Seattle Space Needle 2000’ frame around it. it was so much fun and some of the bridal party took pictures of us doing this as well that turned out great.

We went back down to our reception and began to wrap things up, pretty much everyone was gone by 5 and we had no ‘going away’ scene because in reality we were just going back to our house to enjoy a quiet evening alone. We’re more comfortable there than anywhere else so we didn’t see much point in spending it at a hotel when we love our house. The catering manager packed up so much food for us that we had plenty to eat not only for dinner but for breakfast the next day as well!

Victorian Traditions for a New Millenium

Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, Something Blue and a Sixpence in Her Shoe!

Something Old– Signifies a sense of continuity, tradition and represents the link to the bride’s old life and her family. Nikki: the 1897 sixpence
Something New– Signifies the couple’s new beginning, new life together as well as their hope for the future. Nikki: the wedding dress
Something Borrowed– Borrow something from a happily married friend or family. To wish you that your married life will mirror the happiness in her marriage, Brides can borrow Jewelry or a handkerchief from a family member or close friend. Nikki: the sixpence from Nikki’s aunt
Something Blue, – Blue represents fidelity, love, and purity. Nikki: the toss garter with a blue ribbon & the blue embroidery on the handkerchief
And aSixpence in Her Shoe – Signifies wealth both financial wealth and a wealth of happiness and joy. This is an ancient custom to appease Diana, goddess of chastity and unmarried maidens, so that the bride could lose her virginity and bear children. A lucky sixpence in your shoe signifies a life of fortune. The sixpence first became known as a lucky coin then introduced by king Edward VI of England in 1551 and later became part of bridal wedding traditions in the Victorian era. Nikki: “*ahem* Nikki had a plethora of coins in her shoes, an 1897 sixpence with Queen Victoria, a 1963 sixpence with Queen Elizabeth given to her by Craig & a borrowed sixpence from her Aunt Susie (she had it in her shoe on her wedding day and every couple who has borrowed it for their wedding has remained happily married).

Did you ever wonder, ‘Why is there?’

Why Is There a Sprig of Live Ivy in the Bouquet for the Ceremony?
Ivy symbolizes eternal fidelity & wedded bliss. A popular Victorian tradition was for a bride to plant the ivy in her bouquet after the wedding and watch it grow through the years, passing down sprigs from the same plant for her daughters & granddaughters to use in their weddings.

Why a Bride’s Handkerchief ?
Early farmers thought a bride’s wedding tears were lucky and brought them rain for their crops. Later on in history, a crying bride meant that she would never shed another tear about her marriage.
Nikki: Nikki’s bridal handkerchief originally belonged to her Grandma Dot.

What is the Weird Pouch Hanging off the Garter?
Another lesser-known Victorian wedding tradition involved small bags with a bit of bread and cloth and wood and coin to protect against shortages of food, clothing, shelter and money, with a lump of sugar to bring sweetness all the married life. Nikki has a corner of the infamous multipurpose purse called a buttbow from her dress material fastened to her garter with a beautiful cameo. Inside it a mixture of jewelry from her mother’s side of the family, a rare $2 1/2 gold coin from her Grandma Dot; a lump of sugar that is a Valentine’s candy heart with ‘2000 Hugs’ stamped on it.

Nikki & Ryans Engagement Story